Futari
Eating for two
When I was pregnant and then later when I was breastfeeding, I was told I could eat for two. All the food that I was eating was converted into nutrients in the womb through the umbilical cord. Later when I was breastfeeding these nutrients were transformed into breastmilk.
I loved breastfeeding. There’s the oxytocin I got from holding her in my arms and looking into her eyes or examining every single inch of her being while she suckled. But also, I still got to eat anything I wanted and not gain any weight.
I let her self-ween from breast feeding. One night when she was three she said “There’s no more milk in the booby, mummy.” She clipped the bra cover back on and patted the breast affectionately.
“That’s OK darling, I’ll still hug you to sleep without booby.”
Grieving for two
Fourteen years later, I was grieving for two. When Jaime’s dad died in August 2022, I was dealing with my grief and all the administrative things that needed to be dealt with after a death. Getting a letter from the bank about an arrears payment saying “Please get in touch with us immediately if you have good reasons for not being able to pay this bill” had a different ring to it.
While I was going through the grieving process myself, I also needed to be available for Jaime. Some days I’d feel completely fine, and then she came home from school recounting how all her friends were talking about what they did with their dads on father’s day around her; seemingly oblivious of her loss less than a month before father’s day.
Or she’d be fine and excitedly tells me about Billie Eilish’s new song The 30th.
I listened to it and completely disintegrated at:
In a hospital bed I remember you said you were scared
And so was I
It reminded me of the time when he was in hospice and had an assessment from the end of life doctor from SCENZ (Support and Consultation for End of Life in New Zealand). After the assessment, the doctor described the two options for assisted dying. The doctor left us to our thoughts.
“Do you want a hug?” I asked him after a few minutes of silence.
“Yes… let’s.”
I may have needed that hug more than he did.
Billie’s song reminded me of that specific place in time.
There were nights when Jaime couldn’t go to sleep. She’d stand next to my bed with her favourite soft toy and whisper “Mummy, I can’t go to sleep.” I’d lift the edges of my blanket up like opening embracing wings. She’d nestle in and I’d wrap my wings around her.
“I like going to sleep when I can hear your heart, mummy,” she said.
Travelling for two
Two is a great number to travel. The flights we normally take have 2–4–2 seat configuration. Jaime and I don’t need to share the row of seats with others. We only need one hotel room, making it better on the wallet. A table for two is also more easily accommodated in eateries such as on our most recent trip to Japan.
何人分ですか?
Nan ninbundesu ka?
For how many people?
二人
Futari
For two